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Sunday, 13 May 2012
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Fucking crazy
tim drunkenly threw out that he wants me to move in. craziness. I might be moving to cali with nick. Bryan loves me and if I would drop everybody else I could probably have him. Eric still loves me too. How the fuck did I get into this??? Normally they run their cycle and move on, freeing me up for the one that was moving in as replacement. That is not whats happening right now! UGHHHH I dont know what I want!
Nick is new and makes me feel all butterflies and in love and such all the time.
Bryan does that too, but Bryan actually knows me. REALLY knows me, knows all my shit and still loves me. However, physically he's a bigger dude... but some aspects sexually won't work exactly right.....
Tim is nice, and cute. sometimes a bit arrogant, and doesn't always understand me. But he loves me.
Eric loves me, but he's 19 and not ready for me.
Bryan can handle me, everything that implies. Nick represents freedom and love and happy. Bryan could make me happy too, I love him. It's that damn reckless freedom that is making me lean towards nick. I don't like hurting people, I should have just left tim alone once he went for michelle. I don't know what the right thing to do is. Though I think I could move away and come back and reconvince tim... or maybe bryan, idk how long he'll be on the market. He's going to be a doctor.
In other news.... I got some tortillas, so I'll weigh myself again in a day or 2 and see where I'm at. I was 93 a couple days ago. I'm going to the trailer the next couple weekends so food with be easy then.
Friday, 11 May 2012
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I'm a fucking mess
there's been cutting. everything has been insane. last night I went to the bar with tim. nick got mad about it. eric was freaking out on me too. everything was crazy. I almost got in a fight with some loud obnoxious girl. tim and I drove around after leaving the bar and argued. he doesnt understand how I could be suicidal. He doesnt get my thought process at all. So I left and told nick to meet me behind the bar. we talked, ish, I freaked out and didn't really know how to say what was happening. so I cried in his lap. Told him I loved him and that I was his. When I got home the only thought I could formulate was "what the fuck just happened?!" I would not have been okay if I'd gone straight home after Tim's.. I dont know how okay I am right now. --- 2 minutes later::: I am not fucking okay today.
I have to go into work for an hour and I've already fantasized breaking a finger so I don't have to go. Or cutting deep enough to need stitches. I don't think I'd ever actually kill myself but god I am teetering on the fucking edge right now.
i'm 94 pounds. ran out of tortillas. havent pooped in a couple days. ha. I'm getting more today. Nick is coming over tonight to chill for a bit. I dont know how to change my mood right now. I used to be so good at it. Now i'm just lost.
Saturday, 05 May 2012
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fuck this shit.
2 new slices on my wrist. fuck everybody. more later. btw there are a couple pics in the entry titled about cake. -_-
Friday, 04 May 2012
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Let them eat cake
When I come across young teen girls on this site with blogs like mine I want to grab them, shake them and tell them not to go down this path. You will get stuck. You have no control. Especially not in your teen years. I've been doing this for 10 years. Almost reached my goal and failed again. I don't know if I'm ready to start again right now. I dont understand why I can't just not eat everything under the sun. I didn't weigh myself today but I was 96 yesterday. I don't know. I felt good at 92, but it was hard. The drinking has been hard. I'm struggling with being home at night if my parents are here. So I go out, but now Tim is trying to not drink so he can work on furniture and Nick is trying to not go out so he can save money so we can move to California in 6 months. Eric and I broke up last night. I knew I couldn't last more than 8 months. I probably did it on purpose. However, we are currently negotiating fuck buddy rules.
I will always have my cake and eat it too.
Monday, 30 April 2012
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lost
I need a new job so bad. I just need someone in a bar or restaurant to give me a chance. I only work 4 hours a day and I fucking dread it every time. it's so mindless. I don't like my boss. Everything sucks. I want to just quit, just walk in and give my notice but I cant do that without another job. But I dont want to give up my weekends until september. Thats so far away, idk if I can do it. And I have to talk to my boss about doing more internship-wise there because my teacher needs to do a site visit, I cant not finish this class or I dont get my degree. I should have taken the semester off. I should have stayed at the school. I should have done a lot of things and here I am. A fat 94 pounds hating everything.
I need help.
desiredperfection3
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- Name: desiredperfection3
- Birthday: 11/3/1986
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 9/9/2008
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About Me
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I'm 23, in grad school, trying to find some people in Michigan that might have stuff in common with me... complicated, addicted to self destruction because total sanity is boring. I <3 reading, painting, singing, music in general, horror movies, dancing, camping, drinking, fires, anything chocolate, smart people and interesting conversations. Favorite thing ever is chilling in the dark with music in the background talking about everything under the sun.
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if i say fuck in the title it gets views lol. btw 97 today. whatthefuckingfuck
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I starve because when it's the shittiest day ever, standing on the scale and seeing 93 makes everything better!
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failed today. epic binge. tomorrow I'll get back on track. I'm fucking finishing it this time.
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